


How can I not feel this way

by herwritings



Category: Pearl Harbor (2001)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pearl Harbor - Freeform, Prisoner of War, Romance, WW2, depictions of war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 09:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwritings/pseuds/herwritings
Summary: Rafe had to leave Danny wounded in China while they made their escape. Now he has to face Evelyn and Danny just has to survive, he is going to be a father after all.
Relationships: Evelyn Johnson/Danny Walker, Evelyn Johnson/Rafe McCawley
Kudos: 8





	1. Waiting for you to come back

**Author's Note:**

> *Sorry for the horrible summery.* So, I was listening to music the other day and 'There You'll Be' came on and I had this idea pop into my head and I just had to write it down. The first chapter just flowed right out in no time at all so I guess it just wants to be written. I'm sure no one will read it but I wrote it for me so that doesn't matter much. P.S. it will be my first chaptered fic as well.

Rafe doesn’t remember much after they pulled him away from Danny. He knows he screamed and fought to get back to him. He remembers saying that Danny was still alive, that they had to save him. The problem was that Danny couldn’t walk and they had a small window of escape open to them. He had to be the hero. Rafe thought about how he picked up his gun and started firing. When he ran out of bullets they turned on him and Danny saved his life. He was lucky the others jumped in just in time or they would have killed Danny right then. But they still left him there, they left Danny tied to a board for the Japs to find. He didn’t say a word as they all boarded the plane back to Hawaii, he just held Danny’s jacket tight in his hands. Rafe had to tell Evelyn that the father of her child was left behind in a field wounded and alone. 

Evelyn tried to keep busy while the boys were away on their mission. The less time she had to think about everything that had happened the better, yet she still found herself getting lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of Rafe and what they had had before he volunteered to go fight in England, thoughts of Danny picking up her broken pieces after she learned of Rafe’s death. Thoughts of slowly falling for Danny day by day. The day he took her flying and the parachute hanger after. She thought of her child growing and she lay a hand over her belly. Danny would make a wonderful father. 

Though she hated hurting Rafe she knew she had made the right choice. Danny loved her and he would take care of her and their child. The more she thought about it the more she knew how much she had truly come to love Danny as well. It may not have been the instant spark of attraction that she had had with Rafe but she didn’t believe that was a bad thing. She had talked with many of the nurses who had felt that instant spark with someone and while it burned hot and bright it fizzled fast. With Danny, it started as a warm glow that just kept growing. 

She was sitting down at the beach where she and Danny would spend their time together when Sandra came running down to her. 

“Thank God I found you Evelyn I have been looking for you everywhere.” She paused to catch her breath. “They are coming back, their plane is already close. Come on.” Sandra held out her hand for Evelyn to take and then the two were off to the airfield. 

Rafe sat motionless as possible as the plane landed, Danny’s jacket draped over his lap. Dread filled him at the idea of getting off of the plane and explaining to Evelyn what had happened. The others all looked at him as they got ready to leave the plane. Red gave him a pat on the shoulder as he walked past. He was the last to exit, he was hoping that she wouldn’t be there and that he would have time to gather himself but those hopes were dashed as he saw her eager face. She gave him a small smile and he felt his heart drop into his stomach. 

Rafe kept his eyes on her face as he left the last step. Her smile was replaced with a look of desperate confusion as no one else exited the plane. A nurse friend of hers stood with her arm around Evelyn, her free hand pressed to her mouth and tears on her cheeks. He watched as she tugged Evelyn closer, pressing their heads together. He caught the words so sorry as he approached. 

Evelyn saw Rafe and let a small smile show, if he was here and fine then Danny had to be as well. No matter the fighting she knew Rafe wouldn’t have let anything happen to Danny. She let herself be distracted enough that it took her a moment to realize there was no one coming out after Rafe, Danny wasn’t there. She could vaguely hear Sandra gasp and start to cry beside her. Evelyn let herself be tugged closer to her friend as she watched Rafe approach them. 

“Rafe, where is he? Where is Danny?” Her voice was shaking along with the rest of her as he stopped in front of her. 

“Evelyn I am so sorry,” Rafe’s voice was hoarse and there were tears in his eyes. Danny’s Jacket clutched in his hands, his fingers white with the strength of his grip. 

“No,” she shook her head and felt trails of tears stream down her face. “No, you said you’d look after him. How can this have happened, where is he, Rafe?” 

“Evelyn please,” He looked around them at happy faces and sad. “Can we please go somewhere so I can explain?” 

She steeled herself and nodded. Evelyn was grateful to have Sandra with her as she could hardly focus to get where they were going. She was vaguely aware of Rafe following along after them her mind too clouded with all of the questions and thoughts running through her mind. Sandra led them over to the benches set up for the waiting families. They were all vacant now as families were reunited. Evelyn sat heavily, hand on her rounded belly with Sandra beside her. She looked up at Rafe with tears still in her eyes and hands now folded tightly in her lap. 

Rafe followed along behind the girls. His injuries weren’t the worst but they were enough to slow him down. His own grief also weighed on him, each step felt like slugging through the mud. He watched as Evelyn moved, she was stiff and slow like her mind wasn’t altogether there at the moment. He couldn’t blame her for being distracted. He found it hard to focus himself. She looked up at him and the look in her eyes shattered what was left of his heart into pieces. 

“Please Rafe, tell me what happened.” Evelyn found that she could hardly speak above a whisper. 

Rafe looked her over, she was pale and you could tell now that she was pregnant. He hesitated thinking that maybe it wasn’t right to do this now. “Maybe we should do this later?” 

“I need to know Rafe, please?” The soft pleading of her voice did him in. 

“None of us had enough fuel.” His voice cracked at first and he had to clear it several times. “We didn’t have enough fuel so we ended up crashing down. We knew our greatest chance was to land in China, they would help us once we landed.” He took a deep but shuddered breath. “Danny was, Danny was hurt pretty bad in the landing.”  
Evelyn clutched her hands tighter as she listened. She needed to know yet she was terrified of finding out the truth. She nodded at him slightly so he would continue. 

Rafe took another breath before he could start again. “We landed too close to a troop of Japanese and they attacked us. We were pinned and Danny flew over, taking some out and he crashed hard. We got to them and that’s when more of ‘em came at us. They were getting ready to take us prisoner and I did something real stupid. I tried to fight them off on my own while they were tying everyone up. They were going to shoot me when I ran out of bullets and Danny jumped at ‘em and stopped them. The other guys too, if it hadn’t been for them Danny would’ve…” Rafe had to stop as his mind played out what could have happened if it hadn’t been for the others jumping in they would have killed Danny right then. “We were able to fend off the small scout troop that came on us but we knew we had to get up into the hills where the Chinese were. We could already hear more men coming and we were out of ammo but we could get a head start and hopefully get help from the Chinese if we could just get there.” 

Evelyn’s breathing picked up pace and she reached out for Sandra. Both were already crying silent tears and shaking. They had seen so much violence already, Evelyn knew that Sandra was seeing the horrors of the bombing just as clearly as she was. No one would be able to forget what happened that day. 

“Danny had used up the last of his energy, he couldn’t even stand let alone run. I wasn’t gonna leave him. I told him about the baby, Evelyn, I had too. He had to know that he had to fight to get back to you and his baby but he just couldn’t stand up.” Rafe felt his own hot tears. He was practically choking on his words. “He told me to go, that he couldn't move so I had to go. He said one of us had to make it back and take care of you and the baby. Next thing I remember they were pulling me away and we were making our way to the camp. I told them about him. I told them that one of us got left behind.” Rafe bowed his head in shame. “They said they’d look if they could. Doolittle promised they’d mark him as missing in action, possible prisoner of war until we knew for sure.” 

Evelyn couldn’t speak. She sat silent for a long moment. Her eyes ran over Rafe a few times but she couldn’t find the right words. She knew it was war, she knew it was possible that one or both of them might not come back. It was the fact that they left him behind and that no one knows what happened to him that hurt her so much. 

“Thank you for telling me, Rafe. Sandra,” Evelyn’s voice was unlike anything that Rafe had heard before, it was quiet and almost dead. “Can we get a car and go home, please. I think I need to lay down.” 

“Sure thing Evelyn.” Sandra stood and helped Evelyn do the same. She frowned when Rafe reached out for her. “Give her time Rafe, she’s just had a big shock.” 

Rafe watched at a loss for words as Sandra led Evelyn away. He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder. He turned to see a bashful looking Red. Rafe still couldn’t find words and just stared at him. 

“Come on, ll-l-let’s go get a d-drink.” Red gave Rafe a solemn nod. “We’ll have o-one for Danny.” Rafe gave a nod and they walked together towards the small group of gathered men. 

Danny woke from another dream of the raid and their crash down. He was surprised that he had even fallen asleep but his body needed the rest. He could hear the Japanese soldiers not far off from him; they were talking amongst themselves short and clipped. There were two other prisoners along with him, one British and one Chinese. Both men had been marching with this troop much longer than him, they rarely had a chance to talk so he didn’t know much. What he did know was that he wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer, he was surprised they hadn’t killed him already. He looked to the other two men who seemed as tired and fitful as he was. Just as he was about to whisper to them he heard a noise, like the sound of someone approaching, the sound of soldiers approaching. Then everything erupted into chaos. 

He dragged himself to the safest spot he could as gunfire exploded around him. There were shouting and men running all around him. He watched as a soldier got gunned down right in front of him. He wanted to go for his gun to help fight but he was too weak. His vision was blurring and he could hardly hear the gunfire anymore. He saw a face loom over him, the man was yelling something or maybe asking something but Danny couldn’t hear it. Another face came blurring in just before it all faded away.


	2. Nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer

Danny slipped in and out of consciousness, he only saw flashes of things during those times. He cried out once, he was shushed rapidly. He remembered pain, voices, movement but beyond that Danny had no idea what was happening to him at any given time. 

Finally, like a fever breaking things began to become clearer to him. He woke and was in some kind of cot. There were a few other men sleeping in similar cots, some even on the floor. He shifted trying to take account of what was going on around him. He could hear others in a room not far from him. Just as he was about to stand from his bed a young girl came into the room. She gasped when she saw him and ran back out of the room. 

He couldn’t tell if she was Chinese or Japanese. He didn’t dare hope for one over the other. So he looked around for something that could be used as a weapon should he still be in the hands of the Japanese, if he was going to die he would die fighting. He was about to break the leg off his cot when a man walked in, his hands raised. 

“Captain Walker, please settle yourself, you are safe.” The man spoke quietly but sure. 

“You’re American?” He was baffled and his throat hurt to speak. He brought his hand up and felt bandages all around his throat. 

“Yes, my name is John Birch. I am here in China as a missionary.” He approached slowly a few others now awake and watching. “I helped some of the men you flew with in the Tokyo raid back in April.” 

Danny could do nothing but nod slightly. “What day is it? How long have I been like this?” He croaked out weakly. 

“The month of June is almost finished. Your wound was infected. We were worried that you might not pull through. You are a very strong young man Captain Walker.” 

Danny didn’t know what to say so he sat silent for a while. “The men I was with, in the raid and after?” 

Birch smiled slightly, “those you marched with after you were captured are here with you.” He pointed out the men who gave him nods. “As far as the other raiders, many made it home safely. There was another Captain, McCawly I believe. He let us know you were still out there alive.” 

“Rafe,” Danny croaked, “he made it back to the states?” 

“He did, he has made many inquires after you. Unfortunately, we have not been able to get the news out since we found you. The Japanese are tearing through the area desperate to find any men who participated in the raid. We are in a small village now waiting for our chance to sneak all of the wounded to safety. I am going to go ahead today, I am glad you woke up before I left.” 

Danny spent as much time as he could asking Mr. Birch all the questions he could before the missionary had to leave. He was told to rest as much as he could because after they were told to go he wouldn’t have much time for it until they reached their next safe location. 

Rafe and Evelyn eventually found a way to be around each other again without either or both of them being overcome by grief or guilt. He tended to hover and Evelyn tried her best not to be annoyed. She knew he was struggling with what happened with Danny both before and after the bombing. He also had a hard time with the fact that a lot of the men he flew with ended up going back overseas once healed enough to fight again. 

Rafe had been promoted again and assigned to train pilots. She knew it wasn’t what he had wanted but he had felt obligated to take care of her. It had been quite a fight when he told her so and that he wanted her to come with him to Florida when he was assigned there. 

“It ain’t good for you to stay here Ev, I see how it gets to you. You look for him everywhere.” Rafe paced as he spoke. Their fights always seemed to come back to Danny. 

“I see him everywhere, we spent months here together Rafe. It’s all I seem to have left of him apart from his child.” She had her hand resting on her belly. “Have you forgotten that he could still be alive over there. What if he is and they find him and send him back. They’ll take him here won’t they.” 

“I don’t know Evelyn. If he is still alive and they find I don’t know what happens.” He dropped in a seat and put his head in his hands. “I haven’t heard back from anyone for a long time now. And I have to go back to Florida. I think you should come too. I promised Danny I’d take care of you. I can’t do that if you don’t come with me.” 

“Don’t you try that on me again. I can take care of myself just fine.” Her voice waivered though as she spoke. She turned away, her hand pressed to her mouth. “I just can’t imagine if he comes back and we aren’t here.” 

Rafe stood and walked to her. He wrapped her in his arms and held her as tight as he dared in her condition. “They will send word if they find him. It will come to me no matter where I am. If it comes we will meet him wherever we have to alright.” 

She cried on his shoulder for a long time before she agreed to go with him. They were packing and headed to Florida before the week was up. She found herself and Sandra, who was transferred with them, a place to live together while Rafe had his own. It had been another fight, her not living with him but they were not married so she could not stay with him in his officer's housing nor did she think it was a good idea. She still loved Rafe in a way but she meant it when she said she would give Danny her whole heart. She had and now she couldn't think of letting there be anything besides friendship between her and Rafe, Danny was alive she just knew he had to be. Danny was stronger than anyone gave him credit for.

Danny spent the next days resting but also worrying. He needed to get home. Evelyn was waiting for him and she was carrying his child. He was going to be a father. That thought kept him hanging on to life with an iron grip. He got to know the other men there with him, they all traded stories back and forth to keep their spirits up. The Brit he had been marching with was in a similar situation as himself. His name was James and he had a girl waiting for him back home. James always said her name, Anne, with a smile. He had proposed right before shipping out. By the end of just one day, they all knew the life he had planned for him and his sweetheart. They found it kept their spirits up to hear it, to share stories of their lives. 

Days passed and Danny was worried they had been forgotten about. He had asked for supplies to write to Evelyn, he knew there was no way to send them but it brought him comfort. He watched a few men come through and pass away in front of him and it made him yearn for her and the quiet days they had spent together in Pearl. He thought she must have a belly by now. They were into July now from what he knew. It had been weeks when he was woken from a fitful sleep by harsh whispers and many people rushing about. 

He sat up as did the other men. They were told in broken English that there was a troop of Japanese coming in and they needed to leave now. They were given a few guns and rushed out the back. Danny’s breath came fast as he kept low and hurried towards the fields. They had told them to make their way towards the hills. He moved with one purpose in mind, to get out and back safely to Evelyn and his baby. A few younger Chinese soldiers that had made their way through the village followed Danny. James had taken a few just a few yards away, they split up knowing they would be caught easier in a large group. 

He hit the ground hard, knocking his own breath from his chest when guns began spraying bullets through the village. He lay in shock until the soldiers with him began shaking him. He grit his teeth picked up his gun and they began making their way into the fields. It felt wrong to leave the village like that but they had nowhere near enough ammo to take on that many Japanese. There was a break in the field and he gestured for them not to run straight through it but to take the longer route with more cover. Some didn’t listen and he watched in horror as they were rapidly filled with bullets. 

He bit his lip hard to keep from crying out when he saw James approaching the clearing. Any wrong move and he would give away his position. He was on his stomach crawling when they called out. The Japanese had James. He shifted and pointed his gun without a thought. One of the others pressed the barrel down with a shake of his head. As much as Danny hated it he knew he was right. If he saved James he doomed them all. They all shivered as they waited to see what would happen. He felt sick as they moved James to his knees, one of the Japanese soldiers took out a sword. It happened too fast for Danny to do anything even if he could have without exposing them. He had to swallow back the bile as he saw James’s body drop to the ground. The soldiers around them cheered as they headed back toward the village. 

As darkness fell Danny and the few men who followed him were able to slip further away from the village. They hid themselves during the day and traveled by night. They moved further and further west, closer to where European forces had encampments. One of their numbers abandoned them after three days with no sign of any help. Another still weak from wounds that brought him to the village passed while they rested during the day. Danny was starting to lose hope himself. After a week with no good signs, they stumbled upon a small encampment. Exhausted from hunger, dehydration, and fatigue Danny couldn’t even find it in himself to be afraid. Men stood up and rushed towards them, Danny had flashes of the last time he collapsed, men swarming all around. It was just before he lost consciousness that he realized, they were all speaking English.


End file.
